Classic Criticizing
by PokerFace312
Summary: If anything could go wrong in Shakespeare's timeless classic, it'll be written here. A collection of short, satirical drabbles based off the legendary play Romeo and Juliet.
1. A Thorn Among the Roses

A Thorn Among the Roses

Supporters of house Capulet wept heartbroken tears on a cloudy morn as they watched the body of Juliet, the now late heir to the Capulets, being taken to the tomb that would become her eternal resting place.

As the funeral procession passed these mourners, they gently set the deceased girl down, making sure she wouldn't be jostled from the shock so much that her peaceful position atop her deathbed would be altered. The townspeople, noticing this, began to solemnly step forward and gently toss irises onto her.

It was just as they slowly started backing away, the last few grief stricken townsfolk just tossing their flowers, that a dagger shot out from the center of the crowd, stabbing Juliet in the supposedly lifeless heart.

Shocked and bewildered, Lord and Lady Capulet's heads began to whip in all directions, searching for the thrower. However, they failed to notice a young member of house Montague sprinting away, guffawing as he received a high five from his friend.

And so, the young girl's life truly ended.

* * *

_**A/N: **Ah, my first drabble! What do you guys think of it? This isn't going to be a long fic, as I only plan to post the five drabbles (including this one) that I have written... Next chapter will be up soooooooooooon!  
OH! I should explain this, shouldn't I? Okay, these drabbles are just little things I came up with in LA class a couple weeks ago when we were watching Romeo and Juliet. This particular drabble is based off the scene in the... Zeffirelli(?) version where when they're carrying Juliet to the tomb and people start throwing flowers at her._

All characters and settings are created by William Shakespeare and all situations and adaptations this is based off of belong to their respective owners. I own nothing but my imagination.


	2. The Flames of Love

The Flames of Love

Romeo stood at Juliet's side, staring down in heartbroken awe at his lifeless love, her still beauty striking to the eye. With a shaking hand he pulled out the vile of poison, given to him for use as means of suicide, and uttered his last words before daring to take a sip.

"For fear that I still will stay with thee, and never from this place of dim night depart again: here; here will I remain with worms as my chambermaids; O, will I set up my everlasting rest; and shake the yoke of inauspicious stars from this world-wearied flesh. – Eyes, look your last! Arms, take your last embrace! And lips, o you, the doors of breath, seal with a righteous kiss a dateless bargain to engrossing death!"

Slowly, Romeo leaned towards Juliet, intending to kiss her once more before bidding his untimely end. Until-

"Hi," Juliet interrupted, eyes wide open as Romeo's lips hovered inches above her own.

"Zounds! Thou art a zombie!" Romeo exclaimed, jumping back without thinking. However, in doing this he knocked over one of the ten thousand lit candles the Capulets had placed around Juliet when they has placed her in the tomb. Soon, this candle had caused a domino effect and the entire tomb was alight and burning, slowly growing closer to the young couple.

And so, the ever poetic Romeo spoke his last words before being consumed by the flames: "OH SHI-"

* * *

**_A/N:_**_ YAY! SECOND CHAPTER! I said it'd be out soon, didn't I? So yeah, I did kinda copy out the original text for Romeo's little blab in the middle, but I wouldn't have been able to do it as poetically and that's the whole premise of this drabble! ...I feel like I'm cheating...  
This chapter was inspired by the the tomb scene of the Luhrmann(again ?) version. I mean, really! It must have taken them FOREVER to light all those candles! 0.0_

All characters and settings as well as Romeo's not-so-little speech were created by William Shakespeare. All concepts and adaptations that inspired this belong to thier respective owners. I own nothing but my imagination.


	3. Left for Dead

Left for Dead

"Romeo! Lord Romeo!" a man called, running up to where Romeo stood waiting, "I come bearing terrible news!"

"What is it, good sir? What news brings thee anon with such distress?" Romeo voiced worriedly.

"Tis thy fair lady, Juliet! She was pronounced dead this morn!"

"_Dead_? Lies...! Surely you jest...? How could this be so?"

"The cause is yet unknown; her body is bound for the tomb in which Tybalt lies early 'morrow! You must return to say your last farewells ere they close it, else you shall never get the chance!"

For a moment, Romeo seemed lost in thought, a devastated look askew his brow for loss of his lady love. It was several moments later when he finally spoke: "Oh well! No point in lamenting in the past! Now to go find Rosaline..."

* * *

**_A/N: _**_I think this is the shortest chapter I wrote for this... Lot's a dialogue in this one though. Unlike with the last chapter where I took an excerpt from the play for the dialogue, I wrote all the dialogue in this. I tried to keep the Shakespearian flare in it, but I'm not sure if I succeeded on that front... Opinions? _

All characters and settings are created by William Shakespeare and all adaptations based off it and belong to their respective owners. I own nothing but my imagination.


	4. Love Knows Some Bounds

Love Knows Some Bounds

"Come Romeo! For soon you shall see your swan to be a crow!" claimed Mercutio, pushing the lovestruck Romeo through the entrance of the Capulet residence where a masquerade ball was being held, in an attempt to have him forget his lady love, Rosaline. "Look anon!" he continued, gesturing towards a young girl standing alone in the corner. "There stands a true swan, waiting to be captured by a worthy hunter such as yourself!"

What both men were unaware of however, was fact that this young girl of only thirteen was none other than a Capulet and thereby Romeo's sworn enemy.

Romeo took a long look at her before turning to Mercutio and proclaiming, "What are you? A pedophile?"

* * *

**_A/N_****:**_ This chapter was basically inspired by my entire class when we were studying the play. No one could let go of the fact that Juliet is stated to be only 13 while Romeo is most likely around 17. Can you say pedophilia? Also, contrary to my A/N in my last chapter, THIS is in fact my shortest chapter._

All characters and settings were created by William Shakespeare and adaptations of the play are belong to their respective owners. I own nothing but my imagination.


	5. The Wrath of Grapes

The Wrath of Grapes

"Come Romeo! We must depart ere more trouble is stirred!" cried Mercutio.

"Awww... Don' sweat it Macu'tio! I came 'ere ta hafe a good time and _that's_ what I'mm gonna do!" an inebriated Romeo spoke as his friend tried to pull him away from the drink table as Capulet ball where he'd been downing wine like there was no tomorrow.

"Be that your choice, but if any woman espied you like this, they would under no pretenses swoon! Did we not come here to behold you a new love?"

"Yah, but I don' care anymore! 'Cause _WE'RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER_!" To Mercutio's astonishment and utter distain, Romeo began singing cheesy songs from High School Musical as a certain sparkly vampire passed by... "EDWARD CULLEN! Oh my _god_!" exclaimed Romeo, taking another gulp of wine, "You ar ma _idol_, man! Camon! Le's run away tagether!"

Romeo, not giving the vampire of questionable sexuality a chance to respond, grabbed Edward's hand and ran for the door. "Was that Edward Cullen?" Juliet spoke, coming around a corner. "Where was he and Romeo going? Romeo's supposed to kill himself over me in four acts!"

"And so the fourth wall crashes to the ground, killing thousands in the process..." Mercutio said, facepalming.

"Oh well," added Juliet, "Rosaline and I are planning to get married tomorrow anyway."

* * *

**_A/N: _**_This was a fun one to write! I wanted the last chapter to be a crack fic, so I asked some of my friends for ideas and this is what they came up with! So this is the last chapter I planned on writing, but thanks to an assignment, there's going to be a bonus chapter as well!_

All character and settings belong to William Shakespeare and all adaptations of his play, Disney and Stephanie Meyer. I own nothing except my imagination and a demented sense of humor.


	6. BONUS OF RANDOMNESS!

_**A/N:** Just as a warning this is something my friends and I came up with for school. The assignment was to take a given scene from R&J and modernize it... We kind of went crazy with it. My main job was "translating" the Shakespearian text into how we speak since I was the only one in my group who'd ever read Shakespeare by their own free will. As I said though, we went a bit nuts with it... It's written as a script since we were supposed to present it. The scene is the one where Mercutio and Tybalt are killed_

_

* * *

_

Benvolio: Let's bounce, Mercutio, before we meet the Capulet's. I don't wanna fight.

Mercutio: LOL, banana split. You dig the brawls, brah.

B: Oh really? That's what you think.

M: You're like: "Oh look! A person! Let's fight!"

B: You are too. Thou art PMSing.

M: No, _thou_ art PMSing.

B: Takes one to know one, bitch!

M: Pffft!

_Enter Tybalt and creepy blokes_

B: OMG! Tis the Capulets!

M: OMG! I don't care.

Tybalt: *to blokes* I'll BRB.

Petruchio: 'Kay Tybles!

T: *gives P a dirty look**to B and M* How YOU doinnnn?

M: What's it to ya?

T: Just being friendly. A word?

B: An ACRONYM!

M: *to B* No Benvolio, no. *to T* Speak.

T: You've been costing Romeo 50 cents extra for going over his text limit.

M: I don't text! Not since I got Twitter!

T: Twitter is Facebook for old people.

M: Oh no you didn't! *pulls out light saber*

B: Girls, you're both pretty. Let's go home.

M: NO! First... We CATFIGHT!

B: *facepalm*

_Enter a skipping Romeo_

T: Here come MY maaannnn~!

M: He's not your friend. Check _Facebook_!

T: *to M* You are a baaad cookie.

B: Can I be chocolate chip?

T: NO, you idiot.

Romeo: Can I be a cookie?

M: Chill amigas.

T: You're just jealous because you're not a cookie. *pulls out cookie*

M: I'll fight you for that.

T: AVADA KADAVRA! *thrusts cookie towards M*

R: PROTECTO THE COOKIE! *points wand at cookie*

M: Neither can live while the other is hungry!

R: Benvolio! Do something!

B: *pulls out feather* En gardie!

*everyone facepalms*

P: Stop fighting! I'll take that cookie *takes cookie* and EAT IT! *bites cookie dramatically*

T: GASP! This is all _your_ fault! *points at M* I will have my revenge! *tickles M to death*

P: Come on, Tybles!

*T and P run for it*

B: THE BUTLER DID IT! IN THE COURTYARD! WITH THE ...candlestick...?

*R runs after T and tackles him*

R: *points wand at T* AVADA YOUDIENOW!

*T dies dramatically*

R: *hears sirens* ...BYE! *runs for the hills*

FIN


End file.
